How to Know a Person

What's inside

Discover techniques that will boost your communication skills and make people want to meet with you. Uncover valuable skills indispensable to improving society.

No one is an open book

How often are people deeply involved in your story, ask you for more details, and finish your phrases? In other words, how often do you feel understood? If the answer is “frequently,” you are lucky. Yet, nothing is wrong with you if it occurs sometimes or rarely. In fact, it's a typical situation. According to a recent study, 54% of Americans feel that others don't understand them.

Why does it happen? The reasons differ, but at the core of the problem lies the overestimation of one's communication abilities. Take, for instance, the experiment of a prominent researcher, William Ickes. After a discussion between strangers, he checked how much they understood correctly from it. It turned out to be 20% of the dialog's content. Shockingly, when he did the same test with families, the results weren't far better — only 35%.

Each person is a mystery we can resolve.

Is it possible to stop an epidemic of misunderstanding? Sure, and the solution is to realize that social skills aren't inborn; people must consciously hone them. Join this masterclass to discover tips that will help you successfully deal even with hard talks and become the person everyone wants to speak with.

Traits for memorable conversations

What do ideal communicators look like? Do they tell jokes that make everyone laugh or offer witty insights on various topics? Although these people will draw attention to themselves, they can't surpass Illuminators who excel in a two-way exchange, truly listening and asking excellent questions. Everyone around them feels visible and valued.

Bell Labs's executives can confirm it. Once, they noticed that some of their scientists were more successful than others despite having similar backgrounds and education. Managers observed their work routine and discovered a curious detail that united the innovative researchers — they all regularly dined with one engineer. As a true Illuminator, the latter helped scientists clarify their ideas and inspired them to be more confident.

We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are. ~ Anaïs Nin, a writer David Brooks

What are the main pointers for Illuminators?

• Respect others: This feeling can't be faked, so nurturing it requires a particular attitude, not just skills. We should fully realize how unique everyone is and how diverse the range of abilities and experiences one has. When we treat others as better than us in some aspects, we naturally will gaze at them with respect.
• Focus on viewpoint, not situation: Everyone sees the world differently: What one perceives as a simple mistake, another considers a disgrace. Thus, the task of a listener is to be patient and realize what makes the event crucial.
• Be curious: Coming up with questions might be daunting if we aren't interested in the subject. Hence, how can we foster an inquiring mind? Here is a recipe from British author Zadie Smith. As a child, she regularly visited her friends' homes and wondered what beliefs, habits, and character traits she would have if she grew up there.
• Look beyond “labels”: When Dr. Ludwig Guttmann started working at a British hospital during WWII, injured soldiers were kept passive with sedatives. He decided to change it by reducing the pills and throwing his patients a ball instead, prompting them to move. Guttmann was the first who saw the best men in soldiers, not just patients. The competitions he initiated in this hospital soon inspired the Paralympic Games.

The greatest art is guiding others to answer, not serving it on a silver platter.